tell me, ted, what's holding you back?

[.THEODORE REMUS LUPIN !]

EVER WONDER WHY TEDDY HASN'T MARRIED VICTOIRE YET?
(an icyahoo session between harry potter and teddy lupin)

Teddy: *knocks on the door of the potter's house, hoping ginny's off at work*

Harry: *answers the door still in a bath robe*..thanking Merlin for a day off* .. *grins on seeing teddy*.. Hey, come on in teddy.. *heads for the kitchen calling over shoulder*..coffee?

Teddy: *blinks at attire but grins* none for me, thanks. tea if you've got it, though.

Harry: Sure.. *puts the kettle on and settles at the table motioning to a chair* ..so.. how are Vic and Livvy doing?

Teddy: *sits* they're great. *smiles* livvie's doing the whole "rambunctious" thing now... wants to do everything herself.

Harry: *chuckles*.. fun years those.. enjoy them Teddy they'll be gone before you know it.

Teddy: *grins* that's what everyone keeps telling me... i'll probably miss it when i'm on the other side, though.

Harry: *thinks fondly of Lily* .. yes.. you will. She won't stay little forever.

Teddy: *nods happily* ah, the kettle, harry. *points*

Harry: *glances over and hurries to remove it from the burnner* pours a cup and brings it back to teddy* ... so then..off today and just looking for company? or..?

Teddy: *takes cup and nods gratefully* um, actually both. i've been meaning to talk to you for um... actually, years now. i think i've only recently had the guts to say anything though.

Harry: * sets down his cup and waits expectanly*

Teddy: *wraps fingers around mug nervously* i um... well first off, i want you to know i have plans to marry vic. hell, i've been meaning to marry her since i was 18. just... you know, so we're clear. *swallows* i'm not such a horrible guy when it comes to that, honest.

Teddy: *eyes start to go yellow around the edges* so i mean, all these years of waiting... i know bill thinks it's because i'm no good, and... and fleur thinks i think vic's not good enough for me, or something totally stupid... and it's not that. i just don't want to burden her.
and that's... what i wanted to um... say. *starts talking to the mug in his hands, hair growing a bit darker like he's trying to be as normal as possible*
i'd be a burden because of... what i've done to you, harry. and what that's done to... to me.

Harry: *frowns a bit and looks down into his coffee for a moment before locking his bright green gaze on Teddy again...quite voice* what is you think you've done to me Teddy..

Teddy: *keeps eye contact for only a second before looking back into mug* i've been so selfish. *laughs self-deprecatingly* i mean, here you've been trying to raise me, and give me a family like no other i could ever hope for. and i've just taken it for granted. i used to think... i used to think you were trying to replace my dad... so i wouldn't have to worry. and i got... angry. *looks up again* that's why i was in suck a hurry to leave after hogwarts, harry. *swallows* that's why i went and avoided you...
i used to have plans to be an auror, did you know that? *shakes his head* but i was so stupid. i thought that would make me closer to you, and more like a son than i thought would be right. i wanted to honor my father, and to do that i thought i had to shut you out. so i never joined up with the ministry to train. and i... god, i've just went and taken every good thing you've given me and thrown it straight to hell.
*looks into his eyes* i'm so sorry, harry. i know you weren't trying to be my dad. *shakes a little* but you have to understand what it feels like... *trying to justify his behavior*

Harry: *sighs a bit and waits untill teddys caught and held his gaze before speaking* Your father Teddy would have wanted only for you to do what you felt right..for your self.. and now for the family you have.. I've loved you as a son.. I'll admit that.. and niether of us should feel any shame for it becasue it was something 'your' father chose.. he was the one who chose me as your God father.. and I have to wonder if it wasnt in some small part because he knew the dangers before us and knew what my own in Sirius had ment to me when I had no one.. both your parentsw were aurors..you were born to dangerous times.. do you really think he didnt know there was a risk you'd find yourself with out his guidence?
do you really think he would wish you to have to walk that path alone or be able to hold any grudge against you for careing for others? Hell.. * he smiled a bit in memory.. eve he, you know did his share of filling 'my' fathers shoes before Sirius was available to me.. because he 'new' its what my father would have wanted..because he knew the man..as I knew your father..

Teddy: *bites lip and bats away a tear quickly* *quietly* i never really thought of it that way... i just... jumped to conclusions *sniffs a little, regaining composure* and've been holding a grudge ever since...
*looks up and smiles* i guess he knew what he was doing, my dad, eh?

Harry: *smiles* that he did.. you dad was one of the brightest and most resoursful men I've ever had the pleaure of knowing. He's the one that taught me the Patronus charm as a third year.. did I ever share that with you? If it wernt for him I woudn't have had the time I did with my own god father.. the least I can do for the man is look after his own right?.. And.. if I've grown to have pride in his son as if he were my own.. honestly dont think he'd be to terribly upset that I followed in his and Sirius's foot steps right?

Teddy: *still shaking a little* *nods* i just wish i'd told you sooner. i don't know why i'd gotten it in my head like you were some sort of... bad guy. i just... i'm sorry, harry. i'm just really sorry.

Harry: *grins and reaches over to clasp Teddys shoulder* ..water under the bridge right? ..thing about fathers .. even the stand ins right? .. we dont stop carring or doing whats right by our children no matter what the hardships. *raises a pointed brow*.. Dont you think you should give Vic the chance to help you bare your worries if she wants to.. dont you think you owe that much to Livvie?

Teddy: *stops shaking at harry's touch* *looks up, eyes a little wider, but not yellow anymore* yeah... i guess i should. i just didn't want to worry her. i think i maybe wanted to protect her... or not let her see how badly i'd messed things up.

Harry: *turns him loose after a squeeze to his shoulder and sits back keeping eye contact* ..what is it you think you've messed up son? Your family never stopped loving you.. and your newest family has more than proven their ready to continue doing so whenever you get the courage for that next step.. *sips at his coffee*

Teddy: *tangles fingers in hair* i dunno. maybe it's nothing. i've just felt so angry, and guilty.. for all this time. like years, harry. and i just didn't say any thing and didn't say anything and didn't say anything... and the next moment i looked, olivia was three and i'd made not only vic doubt my intentions, but the rest of the family as well. i mean, look at domi! she /hates/ me, and i can feel bill's eyes on the back of my neck whenever we visit her parents. they've lost respect for me.

Harry: *dosnt deny the fact and is quite for a moment before meeting Teddys gaze again*.. so what do you plan to do about it?

Teddy: *runs hand through hair, breathes* well i'm going to ask her. soon. tonight, i think, actually. we're going out later and i... just needed to clear the air before i could do it. *groans a little, frustrated at himself* i just wish it hadn't taken me so long to gather the guts to say anything.
i can't imagine i'll be too proud to tell livvie it took me until she was three to ask her mother to marry me.

Harry: *smiles knowingly* ..you'd be supprised how forgiving children can be.

Teddy: *raises brow* what d'you mean?

Harry: well..*sips at his coffee*.. you've forgiven me for trying to fill shoes that wernt mine to fill.. and I cant count the times I've upset the boys and lily.. only to have them forgive and forget by breakfast the next morning.. I'll let you in on a dirty little trade secret right ted.. *leans forward consipratoraly.* we parents?....we arn't perfect.. we make mistakes.. and Merlin willing.. we learn from them what we can and move on

Teddy: *looks down and smiles, finally takes a sip of his tea* you make a great point. i guess we're not perfect, not even close. and godric knows it's taken me long enough to learn my own lesson... i don't want to do anything that might make livvie go through the same thing. i just hope i'm not too late.

Harry: *frowns a bit*.. something happen?

Teddy: *scoffs* well i hardly think i'm qualified for 'world's greatest dad' am i? at some point she'll know what's gotten me into this mess, and then she could resent it. ...and me. i've already given her ample fuel for that fire... i don't need to add to it. *crosses arms on table and leans on them*

Harry: *nods* ..I'll be the first to admit its best for things to follow an order.. marriage and then kids.. but whatever her choices.. and trust me they won't all be good.. I'm sure you'll handle them with all the fatherly understanding shes due. And Ted.. you won't be alone..you know where to find an ear and advice if your willing to acept it right?

Teddy: *looks at, silent for a moment* *whispered* thank you, harry.